What would you do if Paula Abdul or Bret Michaels were vice president of the USA?

May 14, 2008

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Everybody’s making such a big stink about who’s going to be the next president. I’m wondering why hardly anyone is talking about who may or may not have the nation’s second-most-important job: vice president.

Obviously, it’s always nice when the person who’s only a heartbeat away from being the leader of the free world is qualified for the task. For example, the vice president sits behind the president during the State of the Union Address each year and has to resist the urge to lean forward and give the boss the ol’ devil horns. That’s important.

The vice president has other responsibilities as well, like going to funerals of people not quite important enough to warrant the president’s attention. The vice president also has to "… uh "… do other kinds of stuff too, I’m pretty sure. Like go to fancy dinners and not spill food down his shirt in front of important people. Which immediately disqualifies me, unfortunately, unless someone invents the vice presidential bib.

The vice president also gets to hide in bunkers when planes get too close to the White House, and oversee the vice squads of various cities as well. Well, it would make sense. He’s got to do something useful.

To gauge how important the job is, let’s review some of the great vice presidents. Let’s see, there’s the guy we have now, George W. Bush, who seems to be extremely busy implementing the policies of President Cheney. There was that guy a

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few years ago who hangs out with celebrities and keeps getting Oscars and other awards for stuff. There was Gerald Ford, who managed to be both vice president and president without being elected to either job. Which probably makes him history’s greatest overachiever.

I’d like to get the ball rolling on a serious discussion of possible candidates. If we wait too long, all the good people might find real jobs and we’d get stuck with a guy like Harry Truman’s vice president. Actually, I have no idea who Harry Truman’s vice president was. Which just goes to show he probably wasn’t very good.

So how about:

Paula Abdul: This would be four years of nonstop family fun. The nightly news would become the greatest reality show in the history of the universe. America would be mesmerized, watching her stumbling about and putting the moves on young male interns while trying not to spill her drink. Just the confusion during public speaking opportunities would be enough to get my vote.

Bret Michaels: Imagine Vice President Michaels, driving his motorcycle through the Naval Observatory, asking his Secret Service detachment to "remain in this house and continue to rock my world." He’d try to rewrite the National Anthem, using bad cliches somehow relating sex to freedom, which would give the whole country reason to have a good laugh "… until it realized he was serious.

This guy I saw on YouTube who eats glass: I don’t know about his other qualifications, but invites to state dinners would become the hottest tickets in town.

One of my fish: I just bought this big koi, who keeps trying to jump out of the tank like he’s Flipper or something. We’re currently working on a flaming hoop trick. So he’s ambitious, has spunk, and follows directions. There are many realistic human candidates out there I’d be far less comfortable with.

Hillary Clinton: Heh-heh. Just kidding.